Things Trauma Survivors Often Think Are Love—But Aren’t – Love is one of the most profound and universal human experiences, yet its definition can feel muddled when viewed through the lens of childhood trauma. For those who grew up in environments marked by neglect, abuse, or instability, the blueprint for love often gets distorted.
What feels familiar—though not necessarily healthy—can be mistaken for affection, care, or connection. This isn’t because they don’t want love; it’s because their early experiences shaped a skewed understanding of what love looks like.
Below are seven common ways people with childhood trauma may mistake harmful dynamics for love, along with insights from psychology and real-life examples to help illuminate the path forward.
1. Mistaking Control for Care
Control disguised as care can feel comforting to those with childhood trauma, especially if they grew up in chaotic or neglectful environments. A partner who micromanages your life—dictating what you wear, who you see, or how you spend your time—may initially seem protective.
However, this behavior stifles autonomy and is often rooted in power rather than genuine affection. According to attachment theory, individuals with anxious or disorganized attachment styles may mistake control for stability because it mirrors the predictability they lacked as children.
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For example, Emily once felt “safe” when her ex-boyfriend managed her schedule, only to realize his actions were about dominance, not care. Therapy helped her recognize that true love respects personal freedom. To heal, seek partners who balance closeness with independence, fostering mutual respect instead of restriction.
2. Confusing Intensity for Intimacy
For many with childhood trauma, explosive arguments followed by passionate reconciliations can feel like proof of deep connection. This rollercoaster dynamic, termed “chaos bonding” by psychologist Dr. John Gottman, mimics the unpredictable emotional climates of their upbringing.
While the highs may seem thrilling, they often mask an unhealthy cycle of turbulence rather than true intimacy. Marcus recalls craving the adrenaline rush of conflict resolution in past relationships, only to realize it wasn’t love—it was addiction to chaos.
Through therapy, he learned to value emotional regulation and pursue calmer, more stable connections. Healing involves prioritizing trust and vulnerability over drama, recognizing that real intimacy grows gradually, not through extremes.
3. Believing Sacrifice Equals Devotion
Pouring all your energy into pleasing someone else, even at the expense of your own needs, might feel like devotion—but it’s often a reflection of unmet childhood needs. Psychologist Harville Hendrix explains that people reenact patterns from their youth, equating self-sacrifice with earning love.
Lisa spent years bending over backward for her partner, believing her efforts would be reciprocated. It wasn’t until burnout set in that she realized self-worth isn’t transactional—it’s inherent. Therapy helped her set boundaries and practice saying “no” without guilt.
True love honors mutual support, not one-sided sacrifice. By valuing yourself, you create space for relationships built on equality and respect.
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4. Equating Jealousy with Passion
Jealousy often masquerades as passion, particularly for those raised in environments where attention was inconsistent or conditional. A partner’s possessiveness might initially feel flattering, as though their envy proves how much they value you.
However, over time, this behavior suffocates rather than strengthens the relationship. Research shows that insecure attachment styles frequently manifest as jealousy, reflecting unresolved fears of abandonment.
Sarah mistook her boyfriend’s constant questioning of her whereabouts as devotion until therapy revealed his actions stemmed from insecurity, not love. Healthy relationships foster trust and security, not suspicion. To heal, surround yourself with partners who nurture openness and confidence, not control.
5. Accepting Neglect as Normalcy
Emotional neglect in childhood can normalize absence in adult relationships. If you grew up with distant caregivers, you might unconsciously seek out partners who mirror that dynamic, convincing yourself it’s just “how relationships are.”
Psychoanalyst Alice Miller notes that such individuals recreate familiar patterns, even when harmful. James dated several emotionally unavailable partners, believing he didn’t deserve better. Counseling helped him recognize the importance of demanding presence and engagement in love.
Surround yourself with people who actively invest in you, ensuring that love feels nourishing rather than draining. Healing begins when you challenge the belief that neglect is acceptable and start expecting emotional availability.
6. Seeing Rescuing as Romance
The urge to “fix” a partner struggling with personal challenges can stem from childhood roles where caretaking earned approval or avoided conflict. While noble in intent, this dynamic perpetuates imbalance and codependency.
Rachel spent years trying to “save” her partner from addiction, only to realize she couldn’t fix anyone else until she addressed her own healing. Therapy taught her to prioritize self-growth before pursuing romantic relationships.
Mutual support defines healthy partnerships, not one-sided rescue missions. Focus on building your own resilience and seek partners who contribute equally to the relationship, creating a foundation of shared strength rather than dependency.
7. Craving Chaos Because It Feels Familiar
Trauma rewires the brain to associate stress and unpredictability with connection, making turbulent relationships feel oddly comforting. Neuroscientist Dr. Bessel van der Kolk explains that dysfunction can trigger a sense of belonging, even if it’s destructive.
After leaving an abusive relationship, Anna struggled to break free from the cycle, convinced that chaos equaled passion. Counseling helped her understand why instability felt familiar and guided her toward seeking peace instead.
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Notice recurring themes in your relationships and ask yourself why certain dynamics resonate. Breaking cycles requires courage and self-awareness, but choosing stability over turbulence opens the door to healthier, more fulfilling connections.
Conclusion
If any of these scenarios resonate with you, know this: you’re not alone, and healing is possible. Childhood trauma doesn’t define your destiny—it informs it. By becoming aware of how your past shapes your present, you take the first step toward reclaiming your understanding of love.
Seeking professional help is a powerful act of self-love. Therapists trained in trauma-informed care can guide you through unpacking old wounds and building healthier relational patterns. Remember, love shouldn’t cost you your sense of self. It should amplify it.
As you embark on this journey, remind yourself: you deserve love that feels safe, steady, and sincere. And with time, patience, and compassion—for yourself and others—you’ll find it.
